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Today's Joke: 

Gone Fishin...

A Good Old Boy took his son fishing one day.

While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious  about the world around him. He asked his father,

"How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked,

"How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Pop, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not my boy, if you don't ask questions, ya ain't never gonna learn nothin'!"


Today's Joke: The new business..

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He spotted a man coming into the outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the new businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working, flinging papers around and talking big.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''And what can I do for you?''

To which the visitor replied:

''Not much, I've come to activate your phone lines.''


Today's Joke: A History Lesson!

On my last trip to Canada, I had the rare pleasure of meeting the leading historian of this great country. Out of curiosity I asked him how their county got it's name.

Below is his explanation...

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this place we're hiking through."

"I agree," said the second explorer.

"Great idea" quipped the third explorer.
"We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."

The second said: "N, eh."

The first... "D, eh."

And now you know the story.

How do you know when a clock is hungry????????????????

When it goes back for seconds! 

The REAL THREE BEARS

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.  Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.  He looks into his small bowl.  It is empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?  It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold, early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter
 box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.  And, now that you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's
kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to
say this one more time ... "I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!"


A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he  would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between   bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step,  ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


 A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I  found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.  With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


 Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting  together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

*******************

 One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" =================================================
 And this particular four-year-old prayed:
"And forgive us our trash  baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 
================================================
 During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified.  She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"  Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle...And He just then did!"
=================================================

  One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."


A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

***************************
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" 
***************************
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You  can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm  having a real good time like I am!" 
***************************
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."  The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

****************************
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

*****************************
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

******************************
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

*******************************
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

********************************
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

********************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

*********************************
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. A young man seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, son what is the matter? He responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

**********************************
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

**********************************

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He
took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.

"This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant
to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of
you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second
finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.


Todays Joke: The Smuggler.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't , the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who would go, so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving to men and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking all the men applauded. Never underestimate the power of a woman. Have a great day. 


Subject: EVE

One  day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"    
"What's the problem, Eve?"
 "Lord, I know you created me and provided  this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic  snake, but I'm just not happy."
 "Why is that, Eve?" Came the  reply from above.
 "Lord, I am lonely,  and I'm sick to death of apples."
 "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you  for your amusement."

 What's a man, Lord?"
 "This man will be a flawed creature, with  many bad traits. He'll lie,  cheat,  and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But....  He'll  be bigger, faster, and will like to  hunt and kill things.  He will be witless and will revel in childish things  like fighting and  kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your  advice to think properly."

 "Sounds great." says Eve,  with an ironically raised eyebrow.
 "What's the catch, Lord?"
 "Well ...you can have him on one  condition."
 "What's that,  Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud,  arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll  have  to let him believe that I made him first.  Just remember, it's our little secret...

You know, woman to  woman."

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge
with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and
fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not
ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to
go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened
the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the
lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down
to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his
dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in
forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made
her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and
they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of
the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in!   How can you just sit there so
calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was scratching his fleas."


 

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "And what does the pig say?"

Child: "Oink, Oink."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in Her deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser"


Q: Why is Six afraid of Seven?

A:Because Seven ate (eight) Nine!!!


HELLO
Do you know that a simple "Hello" can be a sweet one?
I received one recently from a friend.
Here is what it said:

The word HELLO means :

H = How are you?
E = Everything all right?
L = Like to hear from you
L = Love to see you soon!
O = Obviously, I miss you

so, HELLO!

It has made me smile every time I say hello since then....
so send this message to the people you care about and say "Hello!" to them.


Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there.  Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and ships she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs.  She was met by two of the Brothers.  The first one said, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replied the nun.  "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner.  The fish and chips were the best I've ever had.  Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied," Well, I'm the fish friar."  She turned to the other Brother and said "then you must be .....?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

Two priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger, "You know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas were going to work."

"When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats, I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea."

"Then, when you wanted to 'jazz' up the choir and we started singing newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now, we have a lot of new, younger choir members, and the music seems to pick up the services a lot more than the old music.  So, once again I have to agree that you were right!"

"But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to
admit I thought you'd lost it.  But now, at least, there are more people
coming to confession than ever.  I think you've come up with another good idea."

"However... the neon sign out front that says, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell has to go!!


TODAY'S LAUGH

      A man is driving on the highway when he sees a rabbit jump onto the middle of the road. He slams on the brakes, but canít stop in time and runs over the poor rabbit.  The man gets out of his car, looks at the rabbit, and starts crying. Minutes later a beautiful blonde passes by and sees the man crying. She stops and he explains whatís happened, but before he can finish, she interrupts him and pulls a can from her purse: "Donít worry this will get him right up."  She sprays the rabbit, which gets up, takes 3 jumps, and waves back at the 2 people. The rabbit keeps doing this until he disappears down the road. The man has to know whatís in the can, so the blonde reads the label: "Restores life into hair and adds a permanent wave."

Submitted by: Adrian V.



Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last
instruction from the Mother Superior was that they not get a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there came a knock at the door.

"Who is it?," called one of the nuns.

"The blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns looked at each other and shrugged. Deciding that no harm
could come from letting a blind man into the room, they opened the door.

"Nice butt, sister," said the man, "where do you want these blinds?"


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again,  marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than  ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To
which she  replied, "There certainly is!"

  (are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...)

 

 


 My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."


Hey Joelle: How do you clean a
Tuba?.........................................................................

..............................................................................

..............................................................................

............  With a tube-a-toothpaste!!!!!!!..  Love, Aunt Donna :)


Scared straight

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown,
with a very bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word
was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the
least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music - anything that he could
think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and
the bird got even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation,
Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and
screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was
frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly
opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and
I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was
about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I
ask what the Chicken did?"


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


Why does it always get hot after a baseball game?

Answer- All the fans left!


THE PASSAGE WE HAVE NEVER SEEN

 "...And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and  spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live  long  and healthy lives.

 And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent  double cheeseburger. 
 And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And  Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
 And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that  man found so fair.
 And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained pounds.
 And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
 And Satan brought forth ice cream. And Woman gained pounds.
 And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil  with which to cook them."
 And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
 And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
 And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra  pounds.
 And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not  have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
 And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
 And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
 And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center  into
 chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. 
 And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
 And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
 And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

 And Satan created HMO's."


It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully.


Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they
called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They are the----------


Moron Tapanapple Choir."

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